Bull from Night Court as "Mestiema" aka...SATAN!!!!

Hello once again, to all you valiant knights, princes, and fairies out there! Welcome to another episode of Motion Picture Meltdown! In this episode, Mark and I are re-joined by former and now once again full-time MPM co-host Phil “The Kill” Collins (Not from Genesis) as we depict through two movies that are similar in storyline, but not so similar in terms of being good. We go over the 1984 flick Dungeonmaster as well as Ridley Scott’s Legend. In this episode, Mark and I try to “Dr. Phil” our way into Philip’s head to find out exactly what happened to make him so terrified of Tim Curry. We also talk about the appreciation we have toward great special effects from the 80′s that still hold up to today’s standards, as well as the fact that it obviously only takes a modern day computer programmer to defeat Satan and send his ass back to hell. Enjoy!

Also! If you’re into Comics, cards, and games, head down to EMPIRE COMICS off of Charlestown Rd, New Albany, IN. There is no place better in the area! Right now George is having 30% on all his  WALKING DEAD trades, so hurry down and grab some awesomeness.

Add us to Twitter! @MPMPodcast

Click here to listen to The Dungeon Legend’s Master!

Jim Ross puppet

The REAL bad guys of the movie.

Awesome Goblins

Angry Malcolm is ANGRY!!!

Terrifying.

Starring - Tom Cruise's Thong

Ohhhh Yeeeeeah!

Pure. Faggotry.

Ground breaking special effects.

Hello to our prehistoric podcast listeners!

Mark and I are back as we go to the distant past and dig up two completely fossilized pieces of shit! In this weeks episode we decide to rip apart Theodore Rex, and Adventures in Dinosaur City. Both of these movies were regular rentals of ours when we were kids, and after watching them as adults, we finally understand why we are both as retarded as we are. In this episode we discuss such things as possible general odors of Whoopi Goldberg’s nether regions, the impossibility of fitting a three toed dino foot into a shoes’ circular entrance, and the overall awfulness of some voice acting all together.  Enjoy!

Also! If you’re into Comics, cards, and games, head down to EMPIRE COMICS off of Charlestown Rd, New Albany, IN. There is no place better in the area! Right now George is having 30% on all his  WALKING DEAD trades, so hurry down and grab some awesomeness.

Add us to Twitter! @MPMPodcast

Click here to listen to Dinosorryasses!

Why the hell didn't Shaft take the main police officer role!!??

Because when I think ass-kicking law enforcer...

If Man-Thing and Jawas had kids.

Recycled Ghoulies

Oscar winning makeup design.

One year before Jurassic Park.

Decent gore for ScyFY

Hey Swamp Asses, welcome again to another episode of Motion Picture Meltdown! This week Mark and I discuss DC Comics’ Swamp Thing (1982)  and  Marvel Comics’  Man-Thing (2005). Yet again we roast one of the “the great” Wes Craven’s films, talk about the lack of budgets in the early 80′s, discuss the amount of Playboy models that filled the movies back then, the awfulness of putting a terrible actor in the part of a terrible accent, and why its impossible for ScyFy to make a decent movie. Enjoy!

Also! If you’re into Comics, cards, and games, head down to EMPIRE COMICS off of Charlestown Rd, New Albany, IN. There is no place better in the area! Right now George is having 30% on all his  BATMAN trades, so hurry down and grab some awesomeness.

Add us to Twitter! MPMPodcast
Click here to listen to Swamp People!

You got blood on my tits!!

I love being a redneck!

Look into my shitty CGI eyes!

Green Mummy

Throw Mama From The...YEGADS! OH GOD!

Hello everyone, and welcome to this week’s episode of Motion Picture Meltdown! In this podcast, Travis “Hard-on” joins us as a special guest to roast a couple of 1980′s killer robot movies. These include Wes Craven’s Deadly Friend  and Chopping Mall. In this episode we talk about the fact that the “great Wes Craven” may not be so great, the air speed a basketball would have to go to obliterate a head, our experience tweeting with none other than Kristy Swanson, and the ridiculous of naming things “killbots” if they aren’t designed to kill. Hope you enjoy!

Also! If you’re into Comics, cards, and games, head down to EMPIRE COMICS off of Charlestown Rd, New Albany, IN. There is no place better in the area! Right now George is have 30% on all his trades, so hurry down and grab some awesomeness.

And! Check out Face/OFF, on SYFY network.

and add us to Twitter! MPMPodcast

Click here to listen to The Robocalypse!

I'm a Killbot! Aye Yai Yai Yai Yai!!!

Ball Grab Of Death!

All it takes to become a robot.

Killer robot? Or dance champion?

Robot Aim.

STOP CHEWING GUN YOU FUCK!

Look at little like Vader and Luke?

Welcome back, Motion Picture Maniacs! Mark and I have stayed with our word to continue to be motivated to podcast every week, and this week we’ve decided to dive back into the late 80′s with foreign action star, Dolph Lundgren. We’ve decided to rip apart the 1989 version of The Punisher as well as the 1987 nerd classic Masters of the Universe. Although we have no special guests this week, Mark and I talk about how stupid it is to bluntly rip off the world’s most famous movie music maker, we talk about the hilariousness of Europeans trying to speak English in movies, and the pointlessness of trying to ride on the coat tails of Star Wars in the 80′s. Enjoy!

Also…Check out the rest of www.unitedcypher.net, and check out  Empire Comics! Our favorite comic book store off of Charlestown Rd in  New  Albany, IN
Click here to listen to Masters of Punishment

Not Insane

Possibly Insane.

Skeletorgasm

She's scarier than Dolph Lundgren!

I don't do coke or heroine.

Check out my cool Indian Elephant Armor!

Ugly Moon-Head Security Systems

Hello to all you Motion Picture Meltdown maniacs out there! We’re back after a not-so-long absence with a brand new podcast (on some better equipment) for ya! This week Mark and I, along with Cheats “Three Meats” McGee go over Big Trouble in Little China, and the piece of trash that is Hard Ticket to Hawaii. In this podcast we talk about the completely and utter failure of Kurt Russell as a hero in BTLC, along with the complete and utter nonsense that takes place throughout the movies. We also question the availability of rockets to waste on such things as blow up dolls and muppet snakes. It has been a while, but we’re back! Enjoy!

Also…Check out the rest of www.unitedcypher.net, and check out  Empire Comics! Our favorite comic book store off of Charlestown Rd in  New  Albany, IN
Click here to listen to Big Hard Trouble In Little Hawaiian China

"Jack Burton says "What the hell."

Obvious Anger Issues.

I feel like these sunglasses are racist.

Seems like a good way to spend $50,000

Extremely practical cop outfits

FUCK pistols and knives.

"I'm your friendly prison guard, Kevin Bacon....now take off your pants."

Villain #23: Kevin Bacon as Sean Nokes

Movie: Sleepers (1996)

Memorable Quote: “Excuse me, what the fuck are you looking at? GET THE FUCK DOWN ON YOUR GODDAMN KNEES AND FINISH YOUR GODDAMN LUNCH! ”

Why he makes the cut: 

There are certain characters in movies that are just pure assholes. There really is no motivation for the way they are, and a lot of times these can make the best villains. Nokes is certainly in this category of villain. After a hot dog theft goes bad for four boys, and a man is accidentally killed, they are sent to a juvenile detention center under the watch of jail-guard Kevin Bacon primed in pure dickhead mode. He starts off small by just razzing the quartet of trouble making adolescents, but things get a little more serious when he knocks their food to the floor in the middle of juvee lunch, then proceeds to knock the boys to the ground and make them lick the food off the penitentiary  floor and scream at them in front of all the other inmates. Quickly the razzing turns to beating the living shit out of the young boys and then the beatings quickly turn to rape. Wait? What? Yep. That’s right. Not only is Nokes an abusive asshole with a superiority complex toward young boys, but he also likes when they play with his penis. (Which this happens to be one of the only movies you don’t see it in.) So if it wasn’t bad enough that these four children are spending their childhood under lockdown, their nightmares are penetrated by Kevin Bacon’s face, as well as their bodies being penetrated by his overly video-taped shlong. A lot of people see this as the most pure evil someone could even be. I mean…you’ve got to be a pretty bad guy when you’re selected to star in a movie where Bobby Deniro is the comforting antagonist. In fact, he’s such an asshole that when two of the boys confront him about fifteen years later, and he doesn’t even remember them. Its like he’d done it a million times, and can’t tell the difference from these boys or any of the others he had a field day with. You can’t help but breathe sigh of relief when he takes a bullet in the back of a shitty Italian restaurant.

Do I know you? Oh right! From the child rape...

You know what they say children, everything tastes better with Bacon.

I'm here for your family, CSI guy!!!

Villain #24: Mark Wahlberg as David McCall

Movie: Fear (1996)

Memorable Quote: “It could have all been different Mr. Walker. You should have let nature take its course…but in the end, it will anyway…SO LET MET IN THE FUCKING HOUSE.”

Why He Makes The Cut:

So things start off shaky for Marky Mark in this one, as he tries to date a young a pre-plastic surgery laden Reese Witherspoon without her father’s consent. Witherspoon plays an angsty teen Nicole stuck in a strict household ran by none other than CSI’s William Peterson (Grisham). Being young and stupid, she see’s Mr. Wahlberg being way too cool to dance at a dance party and immediately falls in love with him. At first he seems ok, playing hard to get, and treating her like a princess. I mean hell, he even plays her favorite game of “finger fucking while riding a roller coaster” on their second date. Then things take a turn for the worse. He sees her hug her friend at school, and then goes into a Funky Bunch rage and beats the guy to a pulp. When Grisham finds out, he tells Marky to back off…resulting in one of the most famous scenes from the movie…where Mark begins to beat the shit out of himself to make the girl think her dad kicked his ass. In the midst of being a stupid bitch, Witherspoon catches Marky Mark bang-raping her best friend-girl. When he tries to approach Reese later, he is confronted by the guy he beat up earlier. Friend-zone guy explains that he hurt her, and she doesn’t want to see him. Marky accepts this….except he doesn’t….and instead follows her friend home from school and breaks his goddamned neck. In the meantime, Grisham decides to fuck up Wahlberg’s hoodrat house (including his shrine to Nicole), and pisses him off royally. Wahlberg decides to completely fly off the fucking handle, carve “Nicole 4-Eva” into his chest, then carry on with his friends in an idea to kill Nicole’s entire family, and then maybe she’ll magically want to run away with him and his friends. Sounds logical, right? He begins his shennanigans by ripping off the family German Shepard’s head and throwing it through the doggy door, and running off giggling into the night. He probably would have made all these ideas become realities…if the four guys he picked weren’t complete retards and allow themselves to be killed and hurt by her eight year-old brother. More terrorizing and craziness ensues…but is finally cut short by Grisham’s super-human dad power, and his ability to punch several not so good vibration’s into Marky Mark’s face, making him fly out the window thirty feet like a rag doll. Verdict: creepy/rapey  Marky Mark > Dad voice.

Don't make me make you beat the shit out of yourself.

Marky Mark's Bitch.

Hide ya kids, hide ya wife...

The academy award winning duo of Kathy Bates and Sledgehammer.

Hello motion picture maniacs,

In the absence of our podcasts the last couple of months, Mark and I have decided to re-dedicate ourselves to making sure Motion Picture Meltdown always has something going on. Podcasts are going to start up again regularly soon, but for fun on the side, I’ve decided to put together some lists. Starting today, I’ll be ranking my opinions of the twenty-five best villain actors in movies. Because of the pure awesomeness of the actors involved, I really have no way of ranking them, therefore I’ll just keep it at a basic list for fun. Also…I’m not really for the pr-70′s oldies…so I’m keeping the list narrowed to movies after 1970. Enjoy, and Merry Christmas!!

Villain #25 – Kathy Bates as Annie Wilkes

Movie – Misery (1990)

For those of you that live in holes and haven’t seen Misery, here’s a little refresher. The story is about a writer that finally has finished a new book and gotten away from a franchise that has defined him as a writer. He decides to leave his lodge in Colorado, but his trip is cut short when his brakes are cut and his car flies off a mountain road, breaking his legs and rendering him unconscious. He’s pulled from the wreckage and wakes up in a bed as his the “number one fan” of his franchise series now is “taking care of him”.

Why she makes the cut

Anne Wilkes is goddamned crazy. There is no other way around it. Her character has completely lost trace of reality and bases her happiness on what happens to a character she loves to read about. At first she seems ok, but when she reads his new rough draft, she starts going nuts…spilling soup on his broken legs and screaming at the tops of her lungs. Unfortunately the writer has the bad luck enough that his final book in the Misery franchise series (in which he kills off the main character in) is releasing while he’s under her capture. This causes her to completely fly off the handle, and decide that he’s going to write a new book…where the character comes back from the dead? Yeah. The writer thinks it sounds stupid too…which is why she allows him to go days without medicine while he has two compound fractures in his legs. She always seems to be one step ahead of him. He gets the strength to wheelchair around the house a bit, she fires back by breaking his ankles with a sledgehammer. She has no problem murdering the police officer investigating the writer’s disappearance. Oh yeah…I forgot to mention that this whole time she’s making one of the original cast members from The Godfather (James Caan) scream and wince like a newborn baby throughout the entire movie. If that wasn’t enough, to add to her backstory…she’s had some run ins with the law…for being a serial killer….A BABY SERIAL KILLER! She’s one of the only actors/actresses to win an Oscar for being a villain, and would probably be closer to a top 10…but I just watched this and couldn’t contain myself. Sure…in an ideal situation one might be able to easily defend themselves against Annie Wilkes…but when you’re helpless and at the mercy of your caregiver…she takes the cake as one of the better villains of all time, and possibly the best female villain ever.

Sonny Corleone....not your average pussy.

The face of an obvious sane person.

Batter's Up!

The only way we can be happy is if I kill you and then kill myself. Sounds logical.

I'm definitely NOT doing cocaine at my work desk.

Hello action lovers, thanks again for checking out this week’s episode of Motion Picture Meltdown! We apologize for the delay in episodes, but what can we say? We’re fat, lazy, assholes! In this week’s podcast, we go over the baddest of bad and review Die Hard and Die Hard 2: Die Harder. And yes, apparently you can die harder than hard. In this episode, Mark and I talk about the sheer badassery of Bruce Willis and the character of John McClane, the fact that we may have found the worst case of “mayor syndrome” in any movie thus far, and the discuss the apparent absolute durability of Zippo lighters in snow storms. Give it up to Guyz Nite for the kick ass outro song we plucked off Youtube, and Also…Check out the rest of www.unitedcypher.net, and check out  Empire Comics! Our favorite comic book store off of Charlestown Rd in  New  Albany, IN
Click here to listen to John McClane for President!

Pure Evil.

Merry Christmas.

What happens when you fuck with Bruce Willis as John McClane.

Nice try, Mr. Potter...

BULLSHIT!

What the FUCK did you just say to me, Director?