Throw Mama From The...YEGADS! OH GOD!

Hello everyone, and welcome to this week’s episode of Motion Picture Meltdown! In this podcast, Travis “Hard-on” joins us as a special guest to roast a couple of 1980′s killer robot movies. These include Wes Craven’s Deadly Friend  and Chopping Mall. In this episode we talk about the fact that the “great Wes Craven” may not be so great, the air speed a basketball would have to go to obliterate a head, our experience tweeting with none other than Kristy Swanson, and the ridiculous of naming things “killbots” if they aren’t designed to kill. Hope you enjoy!

Also! If you’re into Comics, cards, and games, head down to EMPIRE COMICS off of Charlestown Rd, New Albany, IN. There is no place better in the area! Right now George is have 30% on all his trades, so hurry down and grab some awesomeness.

And! Check out Face/OFF, on SYFY network.

and add us to Twitter! MPMPodcast

Click here to listen to The Robocalypse!

I'm a Killbot! Aye Yai Yai Yai Yai!!!

Ball Grab Of Death!

All it takes to become a robot.

Killer robot? Or dance champion?

Robot Aim.

STOP CHEWING GUN YOU FUCK!

Look at little like Vader and Luke?

Welcome back, Motion Picture Maniacs! Mark and I have stayed with our word to continue to be motivated to podcast every week, and this week we’ve decided to dive back into the late 80′s with foreign action star, Dolph Lundgren. We’ve decided to rip apart the 1989 version of The Punisher as well as the 1987 nerd classic Masters of the Universe. Although we have no special guests this week, Mark and I talk about how stupid it is to bluntly rip off the world’s most famous movie music maker, we talk about the hilariousness of Europeans trying to speak English in movies, and the pointlessness of trying to ride on the coat tails of Star Wars in the 80′s. Enjoy!

Also…Check out the rest of www.unitedcypher.net, and check out  Empire Comics! Our favorite comic book store off of Charlestown Rd in  New  Albany, IN
Click here to listen to Masters of Punishment

Not Insane

Possibly Insane.

Skeletorgasm

She's scarier than Dolph Lundgren!

I don't do coke or heroine.

Check out my cool Indian Elephant Armor!

Ugly Moon-Head Security Systems

Hello to all you Motion Picture Meltdown maniacs out there! We’re back after a not-so-long absence with a brand new podcast (on some better equipment) for ya! This week Mark and I, along with Cheats “Three Meats” McGee go over Big Trouble in Little China, and the piece of trash that is Hard Ticket to Hawaii. In this podcast we talk about the completely and utter failure of Kurt Russell as a hero in BTLC, along with the complete and utter nonsense that takes place throughout the movies. We also question the availability of rockets to waste on such things as blow up dolls and muppet snakes. It has been a while, but we’re back! Enjoy!

Also…Check out the rest of www.unitedcypher.net, and check out  Empire Comics! Our favorite comic book store off of Charlestown Rd in  New  Albany, IN
Click here to listen to Big Hard Trouble In Little Hawaiian China

"Jack Burton says "What the hell."

Obvious Anger Issues.

I feel like these sunglasses are racist.

Seems like a good way to spend $50,000

Extremely practical cop outfits

FUCK pistols and knives.

"I'm your friendly prison guard, Kevin Bacon....now take off your pants."

Villain #23: Kevin Bacon as Sean Nokes

Movie: Sleepers (1996)

Memorable Quote: “Excuse me, what the fuck are you looking at? GET THE FUCK DOWN ON YOUR GODDAMN KNEES AND FINISH YOUR GODDAMN LUNCH! ”

Why he makes the cut: 

There are certain characters in movies that are just pure assholes. There really is no motivation for the way they are, and a lot of times these can make the best villains. Nokes is certainly in this category of villain. After a hot dog theft goes bad for four boys, and a man is accidentally killed, they are sent to a juvenile detention center under the watch of jail-guard Kevin Bacon primed in pure dickhead mode. He starts off small by just razzing the quartet of trouble making adolescents, but things get a little more serious when he knocks their food to the floor in the middle of juvee lunch, then proceeds to knock the boys to the ground and make them lick the food off the penitentiary  floor and scream at them in front of all the other inmates. Quickly the razzing turns to beating the living shit out of the young boys and then the beatings quickly turn to rape. Wait? What? Yep. That’s right. Not only is Nokes an abusive asshole with a superiority complex toward young boys, but he also likes when they play with his penis. (Which this happens to be one of the only movies you don’t see it in.) So if it wasn’t bad enough that these four children are spending their childhood under lockdown, their nightmares are penetrated by Kevin Bacon’s face, as well as their bodies being penetrated by his overly video-taped shlong. A lot of people see this as the most pure evil someone could even be. I mean…you’ve got to be a pretty bad guy when you’re selected to star in a movie where Bobby Deniro is the comforting antagonist. In fact, he’s such an asshole that when two of the boys confront him about fifteen years later, and he doesn’t even remember them. Its like he’d done it a million times, and can’t tell the difference from these boys or any of the others he had a field day with. You can’t help but breathe sigh of relief when he takes a bullet in the back of a shitty Italian restaurant.

Do I know you? Oh right! From the child rape...

You know what they say children, everything tastes better with Bacon.

I'm here for your family, CSI guy!!!

Villain #24: Mark Wahlberg as David McCall

Movie: Fear (1996)

Memorable Quote: “It could have all been different Mr. Walker. You should have let nature take its course…but in the end, it will anyway…SO LET MET IN THE FUCKING HOUSE.”

Why He Makes The Cut:

So things start off shaky for Marky Mark in this one, as he tries to date a young a pre-plastic surgery laden Reese Witherspoon without her father’s consent. Witherspoon plays an angsty teen Nicole stuck in a strict household ran by none other than CSI’s William Peterson (Grisham). Being young and stupid, she see’s Mr. Wahlberg being way too cool to dance at a dance party and immediately falls in love with him. At first he seems ok, playing hard to get, and treating her like a princess. I mean hell, he even plays her favorite game of “finger fucking while riding a roller coaster” on their second date. Then things take a turn for the worse. He sees her hug her friend at school, and then goes into a Funky Bunch rage and beats the guy to a pulp. When Grisham finds out, he tells Marky to back off…resulting in one of the most famous scenes from the movie…where Mark begins to beat the shit out of himself to make the girl think her dad kicked his ass. In the midst of being a stupid bitch, Witherspoon catches Marky Mark bang-raping her best friend-girl. When he tries to approach Reese later, he is confronted by the guy he beat up earlier. Friend-zone guy explains that he hurt her, and she doesn’t want to see him. Marky accepts this….except he doesn’t….and instead follows her friend home from school and breaks his goddamned neck. In the meantime, Grisham decides to fuck up Wahlberg’s hoodrat house (including his shrine to Nicole), and pisses him off royally. Wahlberg decides to completely fly off the fucking handle, carve “Nicole 4-Eva” into his chest, then carry on with his friends in an idea to kill Nicole’s entire family, and then maybe she’ll magically want to run away with him and his friends. Sounds logical, right? He begins his shennanigans by ripping off the family German Shepard’s head and throwing it through the doggy door, and running off giggling into the night. He probably would have made all these ideas become realities…if the four guys he picked weren’t complete retards and allow themselves to be killed and hurt by her eight year-old brother. More terrorizing and craziness ensues…but is finally cut short by Grisham’s super-human dad power, and his ability to punch several not so good vibration’s into Marky Mark’s face, making him fly out the window thirty feet like a rag doll. Verdict: creepy/rapey  Marky Mark > Dad voice.

Don't make me make you beat the shit out of yourself.

Marky Mark's Bitch.

Hide ya kids, hide ya wife...

The academy award winning duo of Kathy Bates and Sledgehammer.

Hello motion picture maniacs,

In the absence of our podcasts the last couple of months, Mark and I have decided to re-dedicate ourselves to making sure Motion Picture Meltdown always has something going on. Podcasts are going to start up again regularly soon, but for fun on the side, I’ve decided to put together some lists. Starting today, I’ll be ranking my opinions of the twenty-five best villain actors in movies. Because of the pure awesomeness of the actors involved, I really have no way of ranking them, therefore I’ll just keep it at a basic list for fun. Also…I’m not really for the pr-70′s oldies…so I’m keeping the list narrowed to movies after 1970. Enjoy, and Merry Christmas!!

Villain #25 – Kathy Bates as Annie Wilkes

Movie – Misery (1990)

For those of you that live in holes and haven’t seen Misery, here’s a little refresher. The story is about a writer that finally has finished a new book and gotten away from a franchise that has defined him as a writer. He decides to leave his lodge in Colorado, but his trip is cut short when his brakes are cut and his car flies off a mountain road, breaking his legs and rendering him unconscious. He’s pulled from the wreckage and wakes up in a bed as his the “number one fan” of his franchise series now is “taking care of him”.

Why she makes the cut

Anne Wilkes is goddamned crazy. There is no other way around it. Her character has completely lost trace of reality and bases her happiness on what happens to a character she loves to read about. At first she seems ok, but when she reads his new rough draft, she starts going nuts…spilling soup on his broken legs and screaming at the tops of her lungs. Unfortunately the writer has the bad luck enough that his final book in the Misery franchise series (in which he kills off the main character in) is releasing while he’s under her capture. This causes her to completely fly off the handle, and decide that he’s going to write a new book…where the character comes back from the dead? Yeah. The writer thinks it sounds stupid too…which is why she allows him to go days without medicine while he has two compound fractures in his legs. She always seems to be one step ahead of him. He gets the strength to wheelchair around the house a bit, she fires back by breaking his ankles with a sledgehammer. She has no problem murdering the police officer investigating the writer’s disappearance. Oh yeah…I forgot to mention that this whole time she’s making one of the original cast members from The Godfather (James Caan) scream and wince like a newborn baby throughout the entire movie. If that wasn’t enough, to add to her backstory…she’s had some run ins with the law…for being a serial killer….A BABY SERIAL KILLER! She’s one of the only actors/actresses to win an Oscar for being a villain, and would probably be closer to a top 10…but I just watched this and couldn’t contain myself. Sure…in an ideal situation one might be able to easily defend themselves against Annie Wilkes…but when you’re helpless and at the mercy of your caregiver…she takes the cake as one of the better villains of all time, and possibly the best female villain ever.

Sonny Corleone....not your average pussy.

The face of an obvious sane person.

Batter's Up!

The only way we can be happy is if I kill you and then kill myself. Sounds logical.

I'm definitely NOT doing cocaine at my work desk.

Hello action lovers, thanks again for checking out this week’s episode of Motion Picture Meltdown! We apologize for the delay in episodes, but what can we say? We’re fat, lazy, assholes! In this week’s podcast, we go over the baddest of bad and review Die Hard and Die Hard 2: Die Harder. And yes, apparently you can die harder than hard. In this episode, Mark and I talk about the sheer badassery of Bruce Willis and the character of John McClane, the fact that we may have found the worst case of “mayor syndrome” in any movie thus far, and the discuss the apparent absolute durability of Zippo lighters in snow storms. Give it up to Guyz Nite for the kick ass outro song we plucked off Youtube, and Also…Check out the rest of www.unitedcypher.net, and check out  Empire Comics! Our favorite comic book store off of Charlestown Rd in  New  Albany, IN
Click here to listen to John McClane for President!

Pure Evil.

Merry Christmas.

What happens when you fuck with Bruce Willis as John McClane.

Nice try, Mr. Potter...

BULLSHIT!

What the FUCK did you just say to me, Director?

Our Hero and Savior.

Hello Comic fans, and welcome to another Marvel Comics special episode of Motion Picture Meltdown! In Celebration of Superhero summer, Mark and I have decided to rip two of Marvel’s most terrible “gems” in the movie making industry! We podcast about Captain America (1990) & and Nick Fury: Agent of S.H.I.E.L.D. In this podcast we talk about the realistic possibilities of riding a missile from Germany to America, the ridiculousness of making styro-foam ears to complete a costume, and the all-around bad acting of one David Hasselhoff. In celebration of the new Captain America being released next month, make sure you check out this podcast! Enjoy!

Also…Check out the rest of www.unitedcypher.net, and check out  Empire Comics! Our favorite comic book store off of Charlestown Rd in  New  Albany, IN
Click here to listen to Craptain America & Nick Fury: Agent of S.H.I.T.!!

Let's wait until 10 feet before the White House to change the missile's course!

This is what Captain America drinks to settle his nerves.

I LOVE having guns held to my head!

Are those real ears?!

Scared of her gun? Or her hair?

100% Pure Hoffing Badass.

Yeah. I think we get the point.

Hello everyone! Thanks for checking out our “Justice” episode. This week, Mark, Philip, and myself go over Demolition Man and  Judge Dredd for you fine listeners out there. Being two of the more well-known action flicks of the 90′s, we decided there was nothing better to do than to pick apart Stallone’s Oscar winning performances, and best supporter Rob Schnieder. In this podcast, we talk about the worthlessness of robots that fail to knock someone out with a robot punch, the fact that some actors need to drink and bathe in blood to live, and the consequences of breaking the LAWWWWWWWWW. Enjoy!

Also…Check out the rest of www.unitedcypher.net, and check out  Empire Comics! Our favorite comic book store off of Charlestown Rd in  New  Albany, IN
Click here to listen to Breakin’ The Law!!!

Dirt Bike Tire Suit

The most evil man you've ever read about.

The Hunka Chunka.

Don't be afraid. This robot will NOT fuck you up.

Todd Phillips’ The Hangover(2009) took me by quite the surprise. It takes a lot to get me to appreciate a comedy enough to feel reimbursed for the money that I’ve spent to go see it. In the last ten years there has only been a few comedies that I’ve really liked. These would include titles like Wedding Crashers, Forgetting Sarah Marshall, Old School etc. Being that Todd Phillips had done Old School, and a very underrated Screwed(1996), I gave his 2009 flick a chance. I loved it. I loved the characters, plot, and happy ending. However, I didn’t really see any room for a sequel. How wrong I was, because this is the day and age of sequels to movies that don’t need them, and remakes of movies that were good enough to start with.

The setting has changed in this one, as Stu, Phil, Allen, and Doug are all headed to Thailand to watch Stu get married to a new girlfriend with almost no character involvement/development named Lauren. Lauren is desperately seeking the blessing of her father, who hates Stu, and puts Lauren’s younger brother Teddy on a pedestal. The movie truly begins when the four main characters decide to have a drink on the beach, and starting the clusterfuck that is their next couple days. They wake up disoriented in a hotel room (sound familiar?) and part of their group is missing. (sound familiar again?). Lauren’s little brother has gone astray, and Stu and gang must find him and get him to the wedding in two days, otherwise Stu’s future will be jeopardized.  This is the entire plot.

The Good

Even with the same plot and basically the same movie, the trio of comedians definitely are strong enough actors to feed off one another well enough to pry a few laughs out of me. I’ve always liked Zach G. They do a good job of showing why Allen is the way he is in these movies, and watching the re-inactment from his point of view was down right hilarious. Out of the three mains, I thought he was really the only one to pull his own comedic weight this time through.

Small cameos from Paul Giamatti, Mike Tyson, and Jefferey Tambor added their own talents to small parts of the movie. However, Mike Tyson’s singing was just atrocious…as I’m sure it was supposed to be.

The setting in Thailand was beautiful and it was good to see some international film settings rather than just a Hollywood set made to look like one.

I’m pretty sure watching a monkey do human things is funny no matter what it is.

The Bad

I found myself wanting the movie to be over at almost the halfway point. I felt as though the jokes had already been done, and no longer was I watching a movie, but rather just three guys running around in circles screaming at one another. I got very bored, and it was mostly because the comedy was very drab and recycled. This was my main reason for being worried when I first heard the announcement of a sequel. Directors need to learn to leave well-enough alone.

The things that happened to the trio in Bangkok were just ridiculous. The things they went through were things that don’t even happen in cartoons. As if the ridiculousness that a roofie could make you do and forget all that happened in the first movie wasn’t enough, we were made to believe that taking a muscle relaxer would make you forget you were being raped anally by a stripper with a penis, or get a tattoo on your face. There is a fine line in comedy between stupid and too fucking stupid.

Too Fucking Stupid.

Ed Helms and Bradley Cooper’s comedy was weak. They fed well off one another, but it seemed liked both had lost an edge between the two movies…that or the fact they just didn’t know what to do, considering they were just re-doing the first movie. Most their comedy was them screaming loudly.

Even with the slight thought of difference that Allen actually didn’t create the problem this time, our hopes of change were shot down as the director decided to follow the exact same path in this category as well.

There comes a point in every man’s life when countless dick jokes just aren’t that funny anymore.

Overall

Although there were a couple spots that caused me to spring a leak of laughter, the movie just felt extremely bland to me. I felt like everything had already been done. I found myself wanting to do something else because it couldn’t hold my attention. Of course I expect you all to make your own decisions about it, but I won’t be seeing this again…and hopefully the director learns that making a bad sequel can even tarnish the originality and positivity of it’s predecessor.